Today’s modern youth

Article 04/06 - Today’s modern youth in conjecture with 80s pop

Today’s modern youth are a bunch (and remember I am stereotyping to a degree here) of lazy, cannabis smoking, glue sniffing, alcopop quaffing, thuggish, rude, arrogant, ugly, promiscuous and disrespecting, vandals. But how did they get this way? Most people blame the parents, but I have another theory.
Way back when the parents were young adults, life was simpler, more quaint and in a period of great upheaval. Disco music hit the streets mid seventies, the Bee Gees with their patented brand of helium pop and ABBA with their Swede delivered rhyming couplets ruled the scene. But in 1978, Disco breathed its last boogie-woogie and Boney M hung up their platforms. Angered by this, the youth of the late 70s rebelled, stuck coat hangers through their noses, learned 3 chords on a guitar with only 5 strings and invented hair dye. This then inevitably led to the Punk movement and Boots getting rich off the back of lurid green and blood red hair colorant. But with most angry people, the anger dissolved when mainstream success took off and the Sex Pistols and The Clash found they needed a day job. Then the music of Great Britain hit a boon in the early 80s, foreign imports fared well until Bob Marley died in ‘81, the androgyny movement took a stab, with the late great Culture Club the mainstream forerunners, but they couldn’t keep it up, too much in fighting and cocaine. Then into the void stepped the floppy fringed, loose-sleeved immoral New Romantics.

This dire musical form, infected the youth of the time deeply, it destroyed their neural pathways and made them get perms. These concoctions of chemicals then transformed their body chemistry, their very DNA, gone were the idealisms of the 60s and 70s and in came the yuppies with their 5 stone mobile phones and the giant imported shoulder pads of Dynasty. These frightening people made cheesy pop and cheesier love songs mainstream music, raucous guitarists, squealing vocalists and crazy banging drummers were replaced by synthesizers, beat looping drum machines, Casio keyboards and monotonal uncharismatic frontmen. Beelzebub had risen from the depths of hell and invented the song “Rio”.
This of course contrasts sharply with my generation (70s/early 80s kids) whose parents were young adults in the 60s and 70s. Popular beat combos, mellowed out hippies, mods, rockers and Ziggy Stardust were the order of the day. This in turn has made us more polite people, respecting our elders, walking old ladies across the street, having sensible haircuts (although as a remnant of our hippy forbearers it may be a tad long), dressing nicely (if a bit scruffy) and with a fondness for hats other than baseball caps.

So to sum it all up I blame Duran Duran for today’s disaffected youth and the Burberry loving chav culture of its teenagers. I hate to think what Delilah Junior will be like as a teenager, having parents being young adults during the Acid House era, the Madchester scene, the Girl Power-athon and the Britpop anomaly.

Abergavenny for now, and until we are settled in our new home, adieu, adieu, to you and you and you (I love the Sound of Music, its brilliant! Although nuns aren’t real, pity though),
Royston Wiltshire.


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Porn

Article 03/06 - Porn

The World Cup is starting soon (in 16 days time as I write this) and I thought I’d take time out of my busy schedule to talk to you all about the second thing I will be looking at on the internet during June and July (the first obviously being stories, pictures and stats on the World Cup). This monumental of industries defies conventional explanations, is very close to Chaff’s er… heart and can be summed up with a solitary monosyllabic word: Porn.
On a side note here readers, when the Chaffster moves mid-June to the Dead Badger Public House, he has had to hire a completely separate removal van just for his porn collection. Until recently I thought Chaff slept on a huge double bed, but I have now found out that he sleeps upon one thousand dirty magazines, that is approximately fifteen thousand naked women people [actually it is 16,712 naked women and a goat… and that picture I sent in to Reader’s Wives of Kev… I’ve counted you know… Chaff]. Where his mattress went is a mystery that Chaff is unwilling to share in case his mum realises that the sticky sheets of his bed conceal the motherload of porn.

Porn comes in all shapes, sizes, positions and deviances on the internet. Some nasty evil stuff, which we won’t mention here, and a truck load of stuff we will. Internet porn is as diverse as all the species noted down by Charles Darwin while researching Evolution and often contains some of them.
Some of the stuff you can find is filthy, pleasantly so, but some is just plain nasty, badly so. Take Golden Showers (if you aren’t sure what they are, look them up) for instance. Why? I know people have diverse tastes and like different things, Chaff likes fisting, Delilah likes to name parts of my body (you’d never guess what Geoff is),

Kev gets erections in the tools department of B&Q (but not Homebase you sicko, he’s not a pervert you know), but why I still can’t get my head around golden showers I just don’t know. 1. You get wet, which isn’t a great start. 2. It's piss people! Urine, bodily waste, wee for fuck’s sake. I just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake screaming “piss!” at them repeatedly.
Perhaps that’s where Disney got the idea of Scrooge McDuck’s money bin. You know, he dives in, swims around etc., a kind of gold bath.

Gold bath? More likely inspired by golden showers I would say. Damn those Disney perverts. Spreading their filth to the masses.
And have you noticed, everyone is getting in on the act. Internet porn is a phenomenon. An unstoppable force with the edict to bring down governments and start revolutions.

And we all know that the web has a pornsite for every perversion. Anything your sick and twisted perversion of a mind can think of someone else has already filmed/photographed it, stuck it on a tantalisingly named website, i.e. cheeseporn.com and stuck on a way for other perverts to contact you. But what I want to know is how people come up with these deviances. Take a friend of mine’s particular perversion [I know what you are thinking and no it’s not me… Chaff], having those cocktail stick umbrellas stuck into his penis while nun’s in balaclavas dance around to techno beats looped over a recording of him masturbating. Then take my perversion, Delilah the Brunette in nothing but a pair of socks and one of my hats. See, I know how I came by mine (as seen on delilahthebrunette.com by the way), I like hats, Delilah likes knee length socks, the rest is an active healthy mind. As for my pervert mate though, how on earth did he come up with that, was he just watching the Sound of Music while drinking a cocktail one day and suddenly the idea that he would like this sort of thing popped into his head fully formed, or was it a gradual process, built up through years of disgusting sexual perversity. Who knows people? One day I might ask him and one day he might stop asking me to join in.

Abergavenny for now, and I leave you with a teaser… are nuns real? Aren’t they just for show in films and lesbian nun pornos?
Royston.


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